Dear Stat Dorks, Sabermetrics devotees, and Moneyball disciples –
I just wanted to take a moment and say on the behalf of anyone who ever played, coached, watched, listened to, or talked about baseball how completely very sorry we are for not recognizing or embracing your principles and formulas.
We’re sorry to believe in the things you so ardently dismiss. Things like clutch hitting, RBI’s, wins and losses for pitchers, bunts, steals, and that one manager over another can make a difference.
We’re sorry we played the game as kids and loved it. We’re sorry we remember where we were when Kirk Gibson hit that home run in Game One of the 1988 World Series and we’re sorry for arguing over beers whether Walter Johnson would be a dominant pitcher in the modern era.
We’re sorry for being thrilled by something that is ultimately, at its best, a game. Sure Major League baseball is a business, we don’t pretend that it isn’t. But when we play it — God forbid, even as a video game — it’s a game. We’re sorry for not thinking to turn it into an exercise of arithmetic … I mean, c’mon, what kid wouldn’t rather be doing math when he could be playing baseball?
We’re sorry we don’t just collectively bow down and blindly worship Bill James (though to be fair, he seems to want to distance himself from you people just a bit) and praise Billy Beane as the only real baseball mind in the game despite the fact that the teams he’s put together have never, never, ever won a playoff series. We’re sorry our reality is a bummer for his theory.
We’re sorry we didn’t commit your precious OPS, WHIP, and VORP* to our pantheon of stats. Not that they’re without merit, just that, well … sorry, they’re just so decidedly unsexy. “VORP”?
We’re sorry we have favorite teams. Sorry we have prejudices and grudges. Sorry we sometimes believe in fate and curses. Sorry we remember the ball going through Buckner’s legs, Bobby Thompson’s home run, Steve Freakin’ Bartman, and Bucky Fucking Dent.
We’re sorry chicks dig the long ball instead of, well, you.
We’re sorry, … we’re just so fucking sorry.
Now let us enjoy our game.
PS — actually, we’re not sorry about making fun of VORP.
*Value Over Replacement Player
