Every year the San Fermín Festival in Pamplona, Spain brings hundreds of drunken Spaniards rolling the dice against angry, testosterone-crazed bulls down a half mile stretch of jagged, cobbled streets.  This year, at all costs, a bull named Inigo Montoya will avenge his father’s death.

“He was a beautiful bull and one hell of a father,” comments Inigo.

Inigo was raised by his father on a ranch west of Pamplona.  Two years ago, Inigo was separated from his father when a man “wearing a white chef’s uniform” took him from the ranch.

“People think we don’t know what happens when one of our own gets into the rusted trailer.  I hope his death was a quick and painless,” says Inigo.

Inigo had a hard time adjusting to life after his father’s disappearance.  He found his day to day chores of coitus and eating grass tiresome, but all that changed five months ago when Inigo found out that he was chosen for the run in Pamplona.  He immediately started a strict regimen of four mounts a day, balanced diet of hay, grass and water, and intense circuit training.

Inigo is quite confident that he will be the strongest and fastest bull on cobbled streets of the festival, but his eyes show the quiet anger that could only be brought from the deepest of emotional scars. 

“I’ve devoted the last five months to my training.  I’m as sharp physically as I am mentally.  When I find the man wearing the white chef’s uniform, I will make his death slow and painful.” 

Inigo sheds a tear as he acts out the monologue to his father’s killer.  “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Recent surveys suggest that having President George W. Bush as an example of a Yale alum has damaged the prestige of a Yale degree almost to that of a rural community college.

The results of this survey — conducted in a joint effort by graduate students from Princeton, Colgate, Northwestern, Stanford, Cornell, Brown, Rice, Harvard, Columbia, the University of Chicago, and seventy-one other schools — have many of Yale's Ivy League rivals hooting with glee.

"This is a crippling blow for dear old Yale," lamented J. Everett Trouserdown III (Class of '66), a Yale booster. "Every time Bushie says the word 'nukuler' into a microphone a whole carload of ruling class white males apply to Dartmouth."

It seems Mr. Trouserdown is hardly exaggerating. The scions of old, elitist money have been steering clear of Yale in record numbers, despite their personal affections for the president.

"Look, it so totally has nothing to do with like or dislike of President Bush," sniffed Tanner Bannister, an Exeter student who'll be starting at Bennington next year. "We think he's everything a president should be — a closed-minded, classist bigot with a palpable hate for anyone who isn't a white billionaire. But I've got hotels in sixteen countries I'll be running five years from now and I want a degree from a big-time college hanging beside my portrait in my office."

Students currently enrolled at Yale are crying "foul" on the survey and especially at some of the schools involved.

Yale junior Tabitha Wainscoting is particularly frustrated that Harvard participated in the survey when, in fact, President Bush also attended, and got a Master's Degree, from Harvard. Ms. Wainscoting was happy to voice her opinion via telephone from her father's private plane. 

"It's like so wrong that we should be held to standards like poor people or something. Harvard shouldn't be such traitors to their class and everybody else who doesn't have a lot of money should just shut up and rake their leaves or make tacos or whatever it is they do. If you're rich you can't be stupid. That's how it works. End of story."

George Carlin died of heart failure Sunday in Los Angeles. He was 71.

The comedian, oft-praised as a genius, leaves behind a legacy of playing a cloying homosexual in the film "The Prince of Tides" as well as his seminal role of Rufus in both "Bill and Ted's" films. He was also once on an episode of "That Girl."

Despite the one-season sitcom he starred in in the 1990's and his influential commercials for Honda and 1-800-COLLECT, many people may be surprised to discover that Carlin was once a controversial and counter-cultural force in American comedy. In those iconic days of the 1970's, Carlin often railed against commercialism and the forces of marketing gone horribly out of control.

He was preceded in death by his integrity, his wit, and his sense of knowing when a joke wasn't working. 

 Inflammatory Fox radio and television pundit Bill O’Reilly made it clear in no uncertain terms that he seldom, if ever, washes his hands after taking a dump. The loofah-loving right winger claims that such sanitary impulses bespeak an unmanly admission of vulnerability.

“A little retained crap under the fingernails builds character. It strengthens resolve, and exemplifies the value of personal responsibility that makes this the greatest country in the world,” he explained, his jowls shimmering with child-like glee.

Co-workers, friends, and fans have noted that they often spot O’Reilly stepping out of a men’s room stall, brazenly adjusting his belt, and giving himself a wink and finger-pointing gunshot in the mirror before turning jauntily on his toes and exiting.

Gus Moses, a men’s room attendant at the Tusk and Spittle, a steakhouse frequented by conservatives and their assorted buttoned-down hangers on, noted that O’Reilly occasionally fingers through the complementary mints, selecting a few of the pale pink ones as he leaves.

“He hates those light blue mints,” Moses explained, arranging a row of men’s cologne bottles from tallest to shortest. “But he’ll dig for a minute or two to get them red ones. Then he tosses me two bits and tells me to keep ‘fighting the good fight,’ whatever the hell that means. I let that quarter just hit the floor. He probably thinks I got no hand-eye coordination but I just don’t want to catch a quarter that’s got traces of minty shit on it.”

If he’s feeling especially entitled, O’Reilly also apparently fails to flush the toilet, and has announced with pride the heft and composition of some of his more significant “deposits”.

Columbia University psychology professor Dr. Asa Millvene explained that many people with a delusional sense of self worth who revel in the faux power bestowed by an audience of mentally enfeebled, media-dependent sycophants are intentionally negligent with their hygiene.

“They see a parallel to their adherents in their feces,” said Millvene, “a vile product of their own persona that, instead of needing to be cleansed, should be coddled. I wouldn’t be surprised of Mr. O’Reilly’s underwear looks like a four-car pileup.”

While still unconfirmed, several laundry drop-off services operating in proximity to Mr. O’Reilly’s home and office maintain that his skidmarks are indeed proverbial strips of bacon.

TEXAS – Several Mendacity Springs ISD kindergarten classes were sent into extreme hysterics yesterday when a mathematical error took the life of orphaned baby panda, Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot. Zoo officials are still investigating the mishap that happened early yesterday afternoon, saying only that there was some question if the zoo had six or seven Barbary Lions in captivity.

“The children were screaming, crying, and running in every direction. I’m sure they’ll have nightmares for months, if not years. I personally have never seen anything so horrible in my whole life,” comments a still shaken teacher, Laura Zipskin.

After a long interaction with the kindergarten students, the docile Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot was put into a large wooded and water environment, usually reserved for the Barbary Lion den. While the kindergarten classes looked on and Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot got familiar with his new environment, a testosterone-crazed, hidden and hungry Barbary Lion by the name of Drake pounced on Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot, ripping him to pieces in front of the group of children, educators and zoo officials.

Mendacity Springs ISD was part of a special pilot program over two years in the making. Teaming up with the Sichuan Giant Panda Sanctuaries and Jim Henson Studios, their plan was to create an interactive, educational experience for children all across the globe. Nearly a thousand enrolled kindergarten children in the Mendacity Springs ISD were mailed a Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot Come Smile and Sing with Me DVD, a Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot T-Shirt, and a Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot stuffed animal the summer before they started their kindergarten year.

“My team spent over eight months putting together stories and songs to go with the Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot experience. We were deep into pre-production on the first Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot feature length CGI film. It’s all fucked now,” comments Vice President of Marketing for Jim Henson Studios, Fozzy Dickerson.

Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot was a rare Giant Panda, a near extinct species that some scientists believe have a world population of less than 1,000. The Sichuan Giant Panda Sanctuaries spent an exhaustive year and a half searching the Wolong Nature Reserve in Sichuan, China for the right baby Giant Panda. Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot was rescued by Sichuan environmentalists outside the Wolong Nature Reserve when his mother, Hugs ‘n Loves-A-Lot, was found mauled and dead in a bear trap. Malnourished and extremely dehydrated, Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot held on for life at the Sichuan Veterinary Rehabilitation Facilities for nearly three weeks before being transported to the Mendacity Springs Zoo earlier this summer.

Original Unoriginal covered the press conference held by the Mendacity Springs Zoo this evening. A stone-faced Zoo President, Steven Michael Irwin, released this statement:

“This tragedy affects so many different people on so many different levels. I saw the looks of joy on the faces of the children who were all wearing their Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot T-shirts after we spent nearly three hours letting each child hold and cuddle with Snuggles. The Mendacity Springs Zoo extends its sincerest apologies to the students, families and educators of Mendacity Springs Independent School District, as well as Jim Henson Studios and The Sichuan Giant Panda Sanctuaries.”

With the crowd of reporters silent and broken, this reporter holds back his tears long enough to get out one simple question. From the bottom of my anguished heart I scream, “WHAT ABOUT SNUGGLES SMILES-A-LOT YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH?”  Even with my voice reverberating for miles, the reporters covering the conference do not focus any attention on me and my tears. We all look to the hard-faced Steven Michael Irwin for an answer. The Mendacity Springs Zoo President simply looks down at his prepared statement on the podium and breaks down into tears.

God Speed Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot, God Speed.

Philospohers and academics, move over. Sages and humanists, shove off. It turns out the really searing insights of our age are being made by fourteen year old Lowell Truluck of Overland Park, Kansas.

Lowell's first nugget of existentialism was volleyed at his father, Daniel, earlier this month.

"During an argument wherin I was sending my son to his room," Truluck the elder explained, "Lowell turned to me and shouted 'Life isn't fair.' Well I tell you, that really hit home with me. A day or two later I was talking to a friend of mine who works as a philosophy professor at the University of Kansas and I happened to repeat Lowell's remark. My friend was stunned. He told me there are legions of would-be holy men sitting on mountaintops in Tibet who could never hope to glean that kind of wisdom."

Young Lowell's other proclamations of mathematics being "totally bogus" and Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo being "so lame" have already inspired T-shirts, web pages, and round table discussions in universities across the country.

The Unites States – a nation already reeling from eight years of arrogance, incompetence, fear-mongering and fraud — took yet another haymaker to the chin yesterday when President George W. Bush announced he was becoming a member of the Flat Earth Society. 

In a legacy already chock-full of examples that the President has an overly-developed hatred for knowledge and reason, this may seem to some as the cherry on the sundae.

The Flat Earth Society (look them up on your own — they're dumb, they're sad, and they're for real) was — unsurprisingly — overjoyed by the addition of this powerful — if peabrained — member to its organization.

"This is a major coup for us," boasted Whit Chinless, an FES spokesman. "The Flat Earth Society has always prided itself on being the nemesis of inquiry, of the factual, of the advancement and learning of mankind. We hope that the recruitment of President Bush to our mouth-breathing ranks will for all time solidify our standing as the all time enemy of intelligent thought. We could never hope for a more fitting standard-bearer."

Mr. Chinless went on to say that he hoped the President's involvement in the FES could inspire the group to denounce "other fraudulent notions such as the 9-11 attacks, the existence of owls, the flavor of wintergreen, and the month of October."

In a move sure to stun pretty much everybody from Hollywood power-brokers to the most casual of moviegoers, filmmaker Tyler Perry has announced his intention to have the words "Tyler Perry's" placed in front of the title of every movie with an all- or predominantly African American cast.

"It's really a very sensible thing to do," claims W. Prescott Drycrotch, a cinema enthusiast from Vermont. "White people like myself have very little interest in the movies those people are making, with their Ice Cubes and their Cedric the Entertainers and their 'wuzzups' and 'fo shizzles'. And I can't imagine the young men and women of color wanting to leave their 'hood — if you'll allow — to go see something with complex themes like the Coen Brothers or Alexander Payne are putting out. Oh sure, maybe a Micheal Bay film," Drycrotch said with a shudder. "Putting that Perry boy's name above the title saves us all quite a bit of time, and c'mon, it's not as if he isn't fucking everywhere already. How much really changes?"

Of course, the idea is not without its critics. Friends and associates of black filmmakers such as Spike Lee and John Singleton have said — on the condition of anonymity — that the two directors will not allow Perry's plan to be implemented on their films — or anyone else's.

"Ho-lee mackerel dere!" Said an associate of Lee's, "Boss Spike, he done gone all hopping mad over dis h'yah Tyler Perry thang." Then, with an eyebrow raised, letting this reporter know the outburst had been a sarcastic exaggeration, the associate said that Mr. Lee found the whole thing to be laughable and was "far too busy doing actual work to comment".

Still, one has to wonder about a world where you could buy "Tyler Perry's The Color Purple", "Tyler Perry's Dolemite", or even "Tyler Perry's Malcolm X" on DVD. Would that world be a better one or worse? Perhaps history will decide.

In a move that sent shock-waves across the planet, Al-Queda, the international alliance of terrorist organizations, has announced it will no longer seek Americans as targets, be they on US soil or overseas.

In what appears to be a hastily recorded videotape Osama bin Laden, the founder of Al-Queda, suggests that credit for his revoking of the two fatwas he issued against the US should go to the legions of American soccer moms and their 9/11-related bumper stickers.

"The 82nd Airbourne I can handle," bin Laden said through an interpreter. "The CIA, not a hassle. But frumpy American women and their withering scorn is a foe that not even the Koran's promise of paradise can persuade me to engage."

The Lebanese Shia militia group Hezbollah is rumored to be in the process of making a similar announcement — also brought on by the influence of the bumper stickers of American housewives.

Sheila Wetts of Schitz Creek, Oregon, isn't surprised.

"When I had my husband Toby put that sticker ["9-11: We WILL Remember!"] on my Astrovan, I was confident our enemies would get the message," she said.

When asked to clarify if she was refering to enemies of the US or simply enemies of herself and her husband, Mrs. Wetts declared "It's the same thing."

Bunny Jane Runnels of Brown Mouth, Wisconsin, was also more than happy to trumpet the success her seemingly cosmetic activism has achieved.

"After Saddam Hussein bombed the World Trade Center I knew it was time to help our great president get the word out."

"And what word is that?" asked a reporter.

At this Mrs. Runnels pointed to the "Freedom Isn't Free" bumper sticker on her 2003 Ford Windstar and folded her arms.

When asked if she was aware she had mistakenly credited Hussein with the attacks on the WTC instead of bin Laden, Mrs. Runnels called the reporter a "faggot Democrat" who should "stop trying to keep prayer out of our schools."

So does this mean the actions of a self-absorbed, ill-informed percentage of the American citizenry can really make a difference? Shelby Fears of the US State Department thinks so.

"I think so," he said.

Little six year old Ryan O'Conner of Skokie, Illinois spends most of his days hooked up to a series of tubes and machines. He has spent the past seventeen months living in room 221 at Children's Memorial Hospital, staring out the window, suffering silently in indescribable pain.

Ryan O'Connor is suffering from a rare form of brain cancer.

His only respite comes, ironically, during his most painfully grueling respiratory rehab sessions on Sundays in the fall. That's when Ryan gets to listen to his beloved Chicago Bears on the radio. And this past Sunday, Ryan got the gift of a lifetime.

Before the game, The Make-it-Happen Foundation arranged for a phone call from Ryan's favorite Chicago Bear, QB Rex Grossman. He was so excited, he finally spoke for the first time in over a year.

"Throw an interception for me, Rex, and I promise I'll get better."

Grossman went out and lived up to his end of that promise on Sunday. He not only threw an interception but he also lost a fumble. Grossman seems to be picking up right where he left off in the Super Bowl, where he threw two interceptions and had two fumbles.

But all was not well with Little Ryan. It seemed he couldn't live up to his end of the promise: living.

"During halftime, I received word that little Ryan passed away", said a choked up Rex Grossman after the game. "Up in heaven, I guess he still got to see me play. The fumble and interception? That was for you little man."

Grossman went on to say that he will establish an "Intercept the Cure" fund which will see him donate $10,000 for every interception thrown or fumble lost during the season to the National Children's Cancer Fund. "Anything I can do within my power to help save another Ryan, Melissa, Miguel or Taneesha, I will do. I vow to make 2007 my best season ever for throwing careless interceptions and losing remedial snap exchanges."

Grossman threw 23 interceptions and lost 7 fumbles last year. After fumbling often a basic center snap exchange in the preseason and the results of the first game of the season, it looks like the National Children's Cancer Fund will benefit handsomely from this unselfish athlete.