“I don’t know…it’s like, ugh, there’s no nail in Rocky’s coffin yet?  You know in the last one we got da stuff outta da basement, now we gotta get some stuff outta da closet,” says Stallone.

Rocky: The Musical is like nothing Rocky fans have every experienced before.  Here, Rocky faces new challenges in a fast-paced world that is always a step ahead of him.  Rocky Jr.’s new homosexual relationship with a Russian figure skating coach ignites a bitter feud that puts Sly back on the ice for the first time in over thirty years.  While searching for answers to the prejudice inside him, the former champion must come to terms with not only his son’s sexual identity, but his also his own.

Helping Stallone through his first original stage play, Rocky film veteran Burt Young reprises his role as Rocky’s ill-tempered, alcoholic brother-in-law Paulie.   The supporting cast includes Broadway veterans Harvey Fierstein and Nathan Lane, with music by none other than Sir Elton John.  

Fierstein, who appears in only one pivotal scene as the ghost of Mickey, sings the Elton-penned “You Got Heart Kid.”  In the scene an angelic Mickey hovers above a troubled and tearful Rocky praying at his bedside.  The song, holding strong on iTunes singles charts, gives Rocky the courage to tell Paulie that, after leading a prominently heterosexual lifestyle his entire life, he might be gay.

An always seemingly out-of-breath Fierstein tells us that while his scene is strong, Sly and Burt’s is "extremely intense." 

“Every night I have to scream at the technicians to get me out of the air and those damn wings off so I can hurry to see Burt go after Sly with his bat," says an energetic Fierstein with two cigarettes hanging out of his mouth.   "When Sly sings and dances his way through ‘Oh, Come On Paulie’ to the music of ‘Yellow Brick Road,’ it brings tears to my eyes.”

It’s perhaps Nathan Lane, as an injured, down-on-his/her-luck transgendered figure skater Adrian, who has made the most radical transformation of his career.  Lane reportedly spent four disciplined months dieting and exercising his way down to a sleek 115 pounds and adding a small silicon B cup to his newly chiseled frame.

“The food and exercise was horrible, but I love my new tits and so does the champ,” says the prolific stage actor with a burst of his trademark laughs straight out of The Birdcage.  "But seriously, when we recreated the scene on the ice from the first film, I didn't feel transgendered at all.  I think audiences will see past that too."

Though the Broadway Rocky is drawing mixed reviews, from “an expressive journey through a simple man’s soul” to “an enormous, steaming pile of shit than misses the toilet bowl with every painful movement,” theater-goers are still packing the house every night.  Stallone is quick to argue that even the harshest critics have not dismissed the sheer power of the show’s finale where Rocky faces his deadliest enemy yet – himself.

“The house is up on their feet, applauding their asses off and screaming while Rocky is beating da shit out of himself,” comments Stallone before he punches himself in the face three times.  

A bit dazed, he looks this reporter dead in the eye and says, “it’s metaphorical.”

Rocky: The Musical will enjoy a sold-out run through the spring of next year, right before Stallone begins shooting the eagerly anticipated sequel to the 1984 comedy classic Rhinestone with Dolly Parton.

“The children were screaming, crying, and running in every direction. I’m sure they’ll have nightmares for months, if not years. I personally have never seen anything so horrible in my whole life,” comments a still shaken teacher, Laura Zipskin.

After a long interaction with the kindergarten students, the docile Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot was put into a large wooded and water environment usually reserved for the Barbary Lion den. While the kindergarten classes looked on and Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot got familiar with his new environment, a testosterone-crazed, hidden and hungry Barbary Lion by the name of Drake pounced on Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot, ripping him to pieces in front of the group of children, educators and zoo officials.

Mendacity Springs ISD was part of a special pilot program over two years in the making. Teaming up with the Sichuan Giant Panda Sanctuaries and Jim Henson Studios, their plan was to create an interactive, educational experience for children all across the globe. Nearly a thousand enrolled kindergarten children in the Mendacity Springs ISD were mailed a Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot Come Smile and Sing with Me DVD, a Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot T-Shirt, and a Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot stuffed animal the summer before they started their kindergarten year.

“My team spent over eight months putting together stories and songs to go with the Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot experience. We were deep into pre-production on the first Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot feature length CGI film. It’s all fucked now,” comments Vice President of Marketing for Jim Henson Studios, Fozzy Dickerson.

Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot was a rare Giant Panda, a near extinct species that some scientists believe have a world population of less than 1,000. The Sichuan Giant Panda Sanctuaries spent an exhaustive year and a half searching the Wolong Nature Reserve in Sichuan, China for the right baby Giant Panda. Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot was rescued by Sichuan environmentalists outside the Wolong Nature Reserve when his mother, Hugs ‘n Loves-A-Lot, was found mauled and dead in a bear trap. Malnourished and extremely dehydrated, Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot held on for life at the Sichuan Veterinary Rehabilitation Facilities for nearly three weeks before being transported to the Mendacity Springs Zoo earlier this summer.

Original Unoriginal covered the press conference held by the Mendacity Springs Zoo this evening. A stone-faced Zoo President, Steven Michael Irwin, released this statement:

“This tragedy affects so many different people on so many different levels. I saw the looks of joy on the faces of the children who were all wearing their Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot T-shirts after we spent nearly three hours letting each child hold and cuddle with Snuggles. The Mendacity Springs Zoo extends its sincerest apologies to the students, families and educators of Mendacity Springs Independent School District, as well as Jim Henson Studios and The Sichuan Giant Panda Sanctuaries.”

With the crowd of reporters silent and broken, this reporter holds back his tears long enough to get out one simple question. From the bottom of my anguished heart I scream, “WHAT ABOUT SNUGGLES SMILES-A-LOT YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH?” Even with my voice reverberating for miles, the reporters covering the conference do not focus any attention on me and my tears. We all look to the hard-faced Steven Michael Irwin for an answer. The Mendacity Springs Zoo President simply looks down at his prepared statement on the podium and breaks down into tears.

God Speed Snuggles Smiles-A-Lot, God Speed.

“I don’t know…it’s like, ugh, there’s no nail in Rocky’s coffin yet?  You know in the last one we got da stuff outta da basement, now we gotta get some stuff outta da closet,” says Stallone.

Rocky: The Musical is like nothing Rocky fans have every experienced before.  Here Rocky faces new challenges in a fast-paced world that is always a step ahead of him.  Rocky Jr.’s new homosexual relationship with a Russian figure skating coach ignites a bitter feud that puts Sly back on the ice for the first time in over thirty years.  While searching for answers to the prejudice inside him, the former champion must come to terms with not only his son’s sexual identity, but his also his own.

Helping Stallone through his first original stage play, Rocky film veteran Burt Young reprises his role as Rocky’s ill-tempered, alcoholic brother-in-law Paulie.   The supporting cast includes Broadway veterans Harvey Fierstein and Nathan Lane, with music by none other than Sir Elton John.  

Fierstein, who appears in only one pivotal scene as the ghost of Mickey, sings the Elton-penned “You Got Heart Kid.”  In the scene an angelic Mickey hovers above a troubled and tearful Rocky praying at his bedside.  The song, holding strong on iTunes singles charts, gives Rocky the courage to tell Paulie that, after leading a prominently heterosexual lifestyle his entire life, he might be gay.

An always seemingly out-of-breath Fierstein tells us that while his scene is strong, Sly and Burt’s is "extremely intense." 

“Every night I have to scream at the technicians to get me out of the air and those damn wings off so I can hurry to see Burt go after Sly with his bat," says an energetic Fierstein with two cigarettes hanging out of his mouth.   "When Sly sings and dances his way through ‘Oh, Come On Paulie’ to the music of ‘Yellow Brick Road,’ it brings tears to my eyes.”

It’s perhaps Nathan Lane, as an injured, down-on-his/her-luck transgendered figure skater Adrian, who has made the most radical transformation of his career.  Lane reportedly spent four disciplined months dieting and exercising his way down to a sleek 115 pounds and adding a small silicon B cup to his newly chiseled frame.

“The food and exercise was horrible, but I love my new tits and so does the champ,” says the prolific stage actor with a burst of his trademark laughs straight out of The Birdcage.  "But seriously, when we recreated the scene on the ice from the first film, I didn't feel transgendered at all.  I think audiences will see past that too."

Though the Broadway Rocky is drawing mixed reviews, from “an expressive journey through a simple man’s soul” to “an enormous, steaming pile of shit than misses the toilet bowl with every painful movement,” theater-goers are still packing the house every night.  Stallone is quick to argue that even the harshest critics have not dismissed the sheer power of the show’s finale where Rocky faces his deadliest enemy yet – himself.

“The house is up on their feet, applauding their asses off and screaming while Rocky is beating da shit out of himself,” comments Stallone before he punches himself in the face three times.  

A bit dazed, he looks this reporter dead in the eye and says, “it’s metaphorical.”

Rocky: The Musical will enjoy a sold-out run through the spring of next year, right before Stallone begins shooting the eagerly anticipated sequel to the 1984 comedy classic Rhinestone with Dolly Parton.

"We've believed for quite some time that experts tended to align their thoughts and advocate a similar perspective," explained Dr. Philo Mylar, director of homogenization and groupthink at Norman Rockwell University in Normal, Illinois. Dr. Mylar, who's recent book: "That's Not My Bandwagon; That's Your Bandwagon" is cautiously optimistic about being guardedly confident that his research demonstrates rediscovery of familiar turf in uninspired insight and lack of critical thinking.

"Most Americans belong to an overwhelming majority of the easily swayed, eager to put their faith in the validation of ambiguous authorities and their corresponding research. They must be right, otherwise they wouldn't have those positions of authority in the first place." Dr. Mylar then added hesitantly, "right?"

Plaintiff Richard “Big Dick” Zwaggerman – filing the suit on 24 June in the Maryland state court – said he paid $49.99 for a 30-day supply of Extreme Elephantine. The pills contain ginseng, oak bark, caffeine, quick-release sulfur coated fertilizer, fluoxetine hydrochloride and other ingredients and are "guaranteed to deliver 2 to 3 inches in length". Within three weeks of taking his first month’s supply, Zwaggerman’s penis sized increased to an amazing 13 inches in length. Zwaggerman was extremely happy with his initial results, but became alarmed when his penis broke the 20 inch mark.

“At first, I thought God had answered all my prayers. Now I’d give anything to have my 4 inch dick back,” comments Zwaggerman.

A US Postal worker in Severna Park, MD (serving carrier route C004, C017, C006 in zip code 21146 -click here for Google Map- ), Zwaggerman must now carry his 4.75 pound, 28.873 inches long (15.91 inches in girth) member in a specially designed cart nick-named “The Pequod.” To add further insult to injury, Mr. Zwaggerman must dress his “Moby Dick” in an extra large postal uniform shirt daily.

A recent study by Lifestyles Condom Co. concluded that the average male sex organ is 5.877 inches in length, with a girth of 4.972 inches. Zwaggerman’s member is now over 5 times the average penis length, over 3 times the average penis girth, and shows no apparent signs that it will stop growing anytime soon.

“His growth rate has slowed down over 300% since he stopped taking the pills, but that’s still 1.4 inches a month! In my 34 years in medicine, I’ve never seen anything like this,” says Dr. Lon Wong of Kent & Queen Anne's Hospital in Chestertown, MD. “An erection that lasts over 15 minutes could kill him.”

Zwaggerman’s lawyer, Jamal Johnson noted: “My client can’t walk down the street without someone laughing. He suffers from public and workplace ridicule daily. There is severe loss of self-esteem, not to mention psychological pain and suffering. Children throw things at him. ”

Mr. Zwaggerman will spend the entire month of July confined to a hospital bed at Kent & Queen Anne’s Hospital to undergo rigorous testing. Dr. Wong comments “July will be hard on Mr. Zimmerman. I’ve been on the phone for last few weeks. I’ve sent pictures to colleagues all over the world. We have experts coming in from Switzerland, Germany and Japan just to get a look at this thing. I know if we can isolate the chemical reaction that triggered the growth hormone to rapidly accelerate, we can slow the growth down to less than an inch a month.”

Even with rumors of penile amputation circulating among the staff at Kent & Queen Anne’s Hospital, there is a beacon of emotional light on the horizon for Mr. Zwaggerman. Original Unoriginal has learned that fitness guru Richard Simmons has been in regular contact with Mr. Zwaggerman and plans to spend the entire month of July at his hospital bedside.

“I don’t know…it’s like, ugh, there’s no nail in Rocky’s coffin yet?  You know in the last one we got da stuff outta da basement, now we gotta get some stuff outta da closet,” says Stallone.

Rocky: The Musical is like nothing Rocky fans have every experienced before.  Here Rocky faces new challenges in a fast-paced world that is always a step ahead of him.  Rocky Jr.’s new homosexual relationship with a Russian figure skating coach ignites a bitter feud that puts Sly back on the ice for the first time in over thirty years.  While searching for answers to the prejudice inside him, the former champion must come to terms with not only his son’s sexual identity, but his also his own.

Helping Stallone through his first original stage play, Rocky film veteran Burt Young reprises his role as Rocky’s ill-tempered, alcoholic brother-in-law Paulie.   The supporting cast includes Broadway veterans Harvey Fierstein and Nathan Lane, with music by none other than Sir Elton John.  

Fierstein, who appears in only one pivotal scene as the ghost of Mickey, sings the Elton-penned “You Got Heart Kid.”  In the scene an angelic Mickey hovers above a troubled and tearful Rocky praying at his bedside.  The song, holding strong on iTunes singles charts, gives Rocky the courage to tell Paulie that, after leading a prominently heterosexual lifestyle his entire life, he might be gay.

An always seemingly out-of-breath Fierstein tells us that while his scene is strong, Sly and Burt’s is "extremely intense." 

“Every night I have to scream at the technicians to get me out of the air and those damn wings off so I can hurry to see Burt go after Sly with his bat," says an energetic Fierstein with two cigarettes hanging out of his mouth.   "When Sly sings and dances his way through ‘Oh, Come On Paulie’ to the music of ‘Yellow Brick Road,’ it brings tears to my eyes.”

It’s perhaps Nathan Lane, as an injured, down-on-his/her-luck transgendered figure skater Adrian, who has made the most radical transformation of his career.  Lane reportedly spent four disciplined months dieting and exercising his way down to a sleek 115 pounds and adding a small silicon B cup to his newly chiseled frame.

“The food and exercise was horrible, but I love my new tits and so does the champ,” says the prolific stage actor with a burst of his trademark laughs straight out of The Birdcage.  "But seriously, when we recreated the scene on the ice from the first film, I didn't feel transgendered at all.  I think audiences will see past that too."

Though the Broadway Rocky is drawing mixed reviews, from “an expressive journey through a simple man’s soul” to “an enormous, steaming pile of shit than misses the toilet bowl with every painful movement,” theater-goers are still packing the house every night.  Stallone is quick to argue that even the harshest critics have not dismissed the sheer power of the show’s finale where Rocky faces his deadliest enemy yet – himself.

“The house is up on their feet, applauding their asses off and screaming while Rocky is beating da shit out of himself,” comments Stallone before he punches himself in the face three times.  

A bit dazed, he looks this reporter dead in the eye and says, “it’s metaphorical.”

Rocky: The Musical will enjoy a sold-out run through the spring of next year, right before Stallone begins shooting the eagerly anticipated sequel to the 1984 comedy classic Rhinestone with Dolly Parton.

Of course, not everyone is quite so pleased. "This sort of thing — a town preparing in advance for a child to be tormented — is everything public education professionals have been trying to eliminate," says Tulip Goodwin of the South Carolina Department of Child and Family Services. "Can't these people at least give the boy a chance to be properly sized up before making him a target?"

Mayor Dobler disagrees. "When we first heard young Myron was going to be joining us, we suggested he might want to have a nickname to go by that might be less likely to draw the attention of our many, many bullies. But Myron refused. While I agree that the young man sure won't be having an easy time of it, we have to remember that the jock/nerd dynamic is a tried and true cornerstone of our social compact". The Mayor added that in preparation for the Tuppley family's arrival local bullies have been getting plenty of exercise. "They want to be fresh for this young man by the first day of school," he said.

Myron's parents refused to comment but when asked about why he chose to be referred to by his Christian name when beatings might be otherwise avoided, Myron said "Look, I'm also a 'Doctor Who' fan. My fate is sealed".

But it's not all bad for young Myron. In anticipation of his arrival, the township has also hired an additional school nurse with a strong background in extreme physical trauma. There will also be a blood drive in Myron's name (Myron is Type 'O' Negative), to be held during Labor Day festivities and the principal of FHS has promised the Tuppley's that plenty of blood for Myron will always be on hand.

A Google search finds the name 'Myron' to be of Greek origin and meaning "fragrant balm."

Residents and staff at Mendacity Springs are all eager to see Mr. Allison hit the road. "We all love Mr. Allison's enthusiasm about his music and the Buddy Holly reunion shows," comments manager Randy Smallpeker. "We tell him Buddy's been dead for almost 50 years, but it only seems to anger him.

Mr. Smallpeker looks around to the room briefly, leans into me and lowers his voice.  "He has used physical violence towards several of our most beloved residents and staff."

Mr. Allison has assumed all managerial responsibilities on a tour most would consider both a daunting and logistical nightmare. He's personally booked 3 Dairy Queens, 2 Holiday Inns and a lone Cracker Barrel restaurant off Hwy 82.

"The idea is to play music where people are, so that's what we're doing," says Mr. Allison in a slightly infuriated tone.

Mr. Allison comments on the long delays in getting this particular tour off the ground. "Honestly, Buddy's an asshole. I got my carrot in Peggy Sue first and he didn't."  He then slams his hands on his knees and screams at the top of his lungs "if he doesn’t god damn pick up the god damn phone I’m getting god damn Gary Busey."

At this point in our conversation, the interview takes the most bizarre and unexpected of turns. Mr. Allison seems to pass out for a few moments, but quickly regains consciousness. He then proceeds to get out of his wheelchair and stand over both me and my assistant with the most intimidating, war-like glare I've seen since my last interview with Gary Coleman.

"Well I'll be damned! You sure are one sorry son of bitch to be showing your face here after all these years," screams Mr. Allison.

My underpaid and somewhat nonchalant assistant notifies me that I'm wearing "Buddy Holly" glasses by pointing to her face and saying “you’re wearing Buddy Holly glasses dipshit.”

The last words I heard before being rendered unconscious by Mr. Allison's oxygen tank were "You'd better find your peace with God Charles Hardin Holley!"

For all booking inquires regarding Jerry Allison with Buddy Holly and Friends, please contact Jerry Allison at Mendacity Springs Assisted Living in Lubbock, TX.

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JVC’s VHS market, reporting a net loss over 3.2 million dong last quarter, have lost over seven hundred quadrillion dong throughout the last decade thanks to the savvy guerrilla marketing efforts of the Vietcong.  

The VHS / Beta conflict, as it was known throughout the 90’s, took a turn for the worse when Sony, makers of the Betamax tape, sold their interest to a entertainment power-hungry Vietcong in 1998.  With Sony’s withdraw from Vietnam, the Vietcong-controlled Betamax broke a distribution treaty and invaded the South with an army of guerrilla soldiers.  Known as the Betamax Offensive, the Vietcong launched attacks on all VHS distribution hubs and retail fronts, starting a war that has carried on for two decades now.

“JVC got to the point where they did not want a thing to do with VHS.  I had intense lunches with all their execs years before I even considered buying the format.  I knew in this one hundred percent red, white and blue heart of mine that escalation was the only true answer.  You destroy one of our billboards, I'll erect two thousand more at your doorstep.  You seize one of our trucks, we’ll send thirty thousand in behind it loaded with American flags and copies of Bad Boys II. You take one of our employees POW, we’ll hire thirty thousand more with Bruce Willis leading the rescue efforts.  Only in hindsight can I see that the Vietnamese may have never wanted VHS there to begin with,” comments VHS CEO Michael Bay.

Bay is said to have lost a fortune over a decade after acquiring JVC’s VHS format and is currently living in a mobile home behind a KFC restaurant.  But the man will tell be quick to tell you that no amount of money or public ridicule can compare to the loss of his dear friend, Academy Award-winning screenwriter and actor Ben Affleck. 

Affleck, who had no formal training as a fighter pilot, took to the VHS cause with some of his Pearl Harbor comrades to do Bay-scripted bombing missions on select Beta distribution centers.  Bay is quick to point out that Affleck was the only actor able to get his WWII fighter plane off the aircraft carrier and into the sky.   

“I look at the photo.”  Bay holds the infamous photograph in his hands and turns to show me.

He pulls it back and stares at the photo in his lap.  His voice turns soft, not as confident as it was seconds earlier.  “I’ve looked at this photo a lot.  Knowing this brave soul had to crash land a plane into an unforgiving enemy territory after presumably, running out of fuel.  Then taken POW and marched into the streets like a sacrificial lamb for everyone to see."

Bay, possibly ashamed at his emotions, turns his head to the side. The lights turns softer around him as I catch one of his twelve assistants, out of the corner of my eye, turn on an extremely well-placed fan.  The director's hair ignites into beautifully choreographed villus dance and the photo, the photo falls to the floor in what seems like slow motion.  My assistant's mouth drops open and her chewing gum falls to the floor.  My lower lip begins to tremble.

Hans Zimmer, pushed by Bay assistants on a dolly track, emerges from the darkness playing a lone cello.   

Bay, with his head still titled to the side says to me,"Do you know how I spell martyr?"  Before I can nod my head no, the man speaks every word in Brando-esque, long, three-second intervals: "A.  F.  F.  L.  I.  C.  K.”  

The man mutters a few incomprehensible syllables, looks to the sky, and screams “Cut!” 

He then begins to ferociously rub both eyeballs with his knuckles just seconds before an assistant comes by and rapid fires six eye drops directly into each eye.  The assistant moves quickly out of the way and Bay, without missing a beat, screams “Action!”  The mood comes back instantly with a few simple sniffles and the man looks back down to me with tears pouring out of his newly bloodshot eyes.  

“I only wish that I told him I loved him.”

I haven't gotten laid in six months, and Global Warming apparently is to blame, say local scientists.

"Hey we know that climate affects mating habits," said local scientist Mo Filby (disclosure: Mr. Filby is also my cousin). "And what else could possibly explain a dry spell like that?"

Other scientists seem to concur. When asked, "if it's getting so hot around here, why wouldn't women just want to take their clothes off?", scientist and zoo worker Ferdie Nash replied, "Just because they take their clothes off doesn't mean they're going to sleep with you." (Disclosure: Ferdie is Mr. Filby's girlfriend).

Mr. Filby explained, "It's not that they're getting hot, it's that you're getting dry. Let's just say that there seems to be a very specfic climatological pheneomenon in the area of your home that repels the opposite sex. I don't think it's implausible at all that some areas of town are harder hit by global warming than others. Something is obviously drying up your sex appeal."

Update: the dry spell came to an abrupt end last night when Ms. Nash fucked me on the floor of an empty gorilla exhibit. Mr. Filby could not be reached for comment.