Recent research completed by credible third-party sources confirms overwhelmingly what some say: When it comes to reinforcing consensus, establishing baseline understanding, or evaluating overall trends, most experts agree.

"We've believed for quite some time that experts tended to align their thoughts and advocate a similar perspective," explained Dr. Philo Mylar, director of homogenization and groupthink at Norman Rockwell University in Normal, Illinois. Dr. Mylar, who's recent book: "That's Not My Bandwagon; That's Your Bandwagon" is cautiously optimistic about being guardedly confident that his research demonstrates rediscovery of familiar turf in uninspired insight and lack of critical thinking.

"Most Americans belong to an overwhelming majority of the easily swayed, eager to put their faith in the validation of ambiguous authorities and their corresponding research. They must be right, otherwise they wouldn't have those positions of authority in the first place." Dr. Mylar then added hesitantly, "right?"

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A Maryland man has filed a lawsuit against San Fernando Valley-based Pullulatez LLC, makers of the popular penis enlargement pill Extreme Elephantine. The suit states that Pullulatez claimed in “extremely convincing advertisements that their pills add inches and improve confidence.”

Plaintiff Richard “Big Dick” Zwaggerman - filing the suit on 24 June in the Maryland state court - said he paid $49.99 for a 30-day supply of Extreme Elephantine. The pills contain ginseng, oak bark, caffeine, quick-release sulfur coated fertilizer, fluoxetine hydrochloride and other ingredients and are "guaranteed to deliver 2 to 3 inches in length". Within three weeks of taking his first month’s supply, Zwaggerman’s penis sized increased to an amazing 13 inches in length. Zwaggerman was extremely happy with his initial results, but became alarmed when his penis broke the 20 inch mark.

“At first, I thought God had answered all my prayers. Now I’d give anything to have my 4 inch dick back,” comments Zwaggerman.

A US Postal worker in Severna Park, MD (serving carrier route C004, C017, C006 in zip code 21146 -click here for Google Map- ), Zwaggerman must now carry his 4.75 pound, 28.873 inches long (15.91 inches in girth) member in a specially designed cart nick-named “The Pequod.” To add further insult to injury, Mr. Zwaggerman must dress his “Moby Dick” in an extra large postal uniform shirt daily.

A recent study by Lifestyles Condom Co. concluded that the average male sex organ is 5.877 inches in length, with a girth of 4.972 inches. Zwaggerman’s member is now over 5 times the average penis length, over 3 times the average penis girth, and shows no apparent signs that it will stop growing anytime soon.

“His growth rate has slowed down over 300% since he stopped taking the pills, but that’s still 1.4 inches a month! In my 34 years in medicine, I’ve never seen anything like this,” says Dr. Lon Wong of Kent & Queen Anne's Hospital in Chestertown, MD. “An erection that lasts over 15 minutes could kill him.”

Zwaggerman’s lawyer, Jamal Johnson noted: “My client can’t walk down the street without someone laughing. He suffers from public and workplace ridicule daily. There is severe loss of self-esteem, not to mention psychological pain and suffering. Children throw things at him. ”

Mr. Zwaggerman will spend the entire month of July confined to a hospital bed at Kent & Queen Anne’s Hospital to undergo rigorous testing. Dr. Wong comments “July will be hard on Mr. Zimmerman. I’ve been on the phone for last few weeks. I’ve sent pictures to colleagues all over the world. We have experts coming in from Switzerland, Germany and Japan just to get a look at this thing. I know if we can isolate the chemical reaction that triggered the growth hormone to rapidly accelerate, we can slow the growth down to less than an inch a month.”

Even with rumors of penile amputation circulating among the staff at Kent & Queen Anne’s Hospital, there is a beacon of emotional light on the horizon for Mr. Zwaggerman. Original Unoriginal has learned that fitness guru Richard Simmons has been in regular contact with Mr. Zwaggerman and plans to spend the entire month of July at his hospital bedside.

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It turns out 2006’s Rocky Balboa was not the end the line for our favorite boxer after all.  The film, like no other sequel before it, rediscovered the edgy, independent spirit of the 1976 masterpiece that captured the heart of the world.  When audiences walked out of the theater this time around, there was a collective feeling that the Rocky franchise had gracefully come full circle.  Writer, actor, director and producer Sylvester Stallone tells Original UnOriginal that his new Rocky musical will take Rocky fans “an extra 360 degrees.”

“I don’t know…it’s like, ugh, there’s no nail in Rocky’s coffin yet?  You know in the last one we got da stuff outta da basement, now we gotta get some stuff outta da closet,” says Stallone.

Rocky: The Musical is like nothing Rocky fans have every experienced before.  Here Rocky faces new challenges in a fast-paced world that is always a step ahead of him.  Rocky Jr.’s new homosexual relationship with a Russian figure skating coach ignites a bitter feud that puts Sly back on the ice for the first time in over thirty years.  While searching for answers to the prejudice inside him, the former champion must come to terms with not only his son’s sexual identity, but his also his own.

Helping Stallone through his first original stage play, Rocky film veteran Burt Young reprises his role as Rocky’s ill-tempered, alcoholic brother-in-law Paulie.   The supporting cast includes Broadway veterans Harvey Fierstein and Nathan Lane, with music by none other than Sir Elton John.  

Fierstein, who appears in only one pivotal scene as the ghost of Mickey, sings the Elton-penned “You Got Heart Kid.”  In the scene an angelic Mickey hovers above a troubled and tearful Rocky praying at his bedside.  The song, holding strong on iTunes singles charts, gives Rocky the courage to tell Paulie that, after leading a prominently heterosexual lifestyle his entire life, he might be gay.

An always seemingly out-of-breath Fierstein tells us that while his scene is strong, Sly and Burt’s is "extremely intense." 

“Every night I have to scream at the technicians to get me out of the air and those damn wings off so I can hurry to see Burt go after Sly with his bat," says an energetic Fierstein with two cigarettes hanging out of his mouth.   "When Sly sings and dances his way through ‘Oh, Come On Paulie’ to the music of ‘Yellow Brick Road,’ it brings tears to my eyes.”

It’s perhaps Nathan Lane, as an injured, down-on-his/her-luck transgendered figure skater Adrian, who has made the most radical transformation of his career.  Lane reportedly spent four disciplined months dieting and exercising his way down to a sleek 115 pounds and adding a small silicon B cup to his newly chiseled frame.

“The food and exercise was horrible, but I love my new tits and so does the champ,” says the prolific stage actor with a burst of his trademark laughs straight out of The Birdcage.  "But seriously, when we recreated the scene on the ice from the first film, I didn't feel transgendered at all.  I think audiences will see past that too."

Though the Broadway Rocky is drawing mixed reviews, from “an expressive journey through a simple man’s soul” to “an enormous, steaming pile of shit than misses the toilet bowl with every painful movement,” theater-goers are still packing the house every night.  Stallone is quick to argue that even the harshest critics have not dismissed the sheer power of the show’s finale where Rocky faces his deadliest enemy yet - himself.

“The house is up on their feet, applauding their asses off and screaming while Rocky is beating da shit out of himself,” comments Stallone before he punches himself in the face three times.  

A bit dazed, he looks this reporter dead in the eye and says, “it’s metaphorical.”

Rocky: The Musical will enjoy a sold-out run through the spring of next year, right before Stallone begins shooting the eagerly anticipated sequel to the 1984 comedy classic Rhinestone with Dolly Parton.

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Ferretsville, SC — In what is being hailed as "the best thing to happen around here in over a decade", the township of Ferretsville (Pop. 421) is welcoming Myron Wilburforce Tuppley (14, and small for his age) and his parents, Preston and Doris as new residents. "I'm especially happy for the bullying community," says Brock Dobler, Ferretsville's mayor and coach of the Ferretsville High School football team (the FHS "Fighting Ferrets"), "They've had to take turns menacing once another for a long time now in the absence of any real dorks".

Of course, not everyone is quite so pleased. "This sort of thing — a town preparing in advance for a child to be tormented — is everything public education professionals have been trying to eliminate," says Tulip Goodwin of the South Carolina Department of Child and Family Services. "Can't these people at least give the boy a chance to be properly sized up before making him a target?"

Mayor Dobler disagrees. "When we first heard young Myron was going to be joining us, we suggested he might want to have a nickname to go by that might be less likely to draw the attention of our many, many bullies. But Myron refused. While I agree that the young man sure won't be having an easy time of it, we have to remember that the jock/nerd dynamic is a tried and true cornerstone of our social compact". The Mayor added that in preparation for the Tuppley family's arrival local bullies have been getting plenty of exercise. "They want to be fresh for this young man by the first day of school," he said.

Myron's parents refused to comment but when asked about why he chose to be referred to by his Christian name when beatings might be otherwise avoided, Myron said "Look, I'm also a 'Doctor Who' fan. My fate is sealed".

But it's not all bad for young Myron. In anticipation of his arrival, the township has also hired an additional school nurse with a strong background in extreme physical trauma. There will also be a blood drive in Myron's name (Myron is Type 'O' Negative), to be held during Labor Day festivities and the principal of FHS has promised the Tuppley's that plenty of blood for Myron will always be on hand.

A Google search finds the name 'Myron' to be of Greek origin and meaning "fragrant balm."

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Former Cricket drummer Jerry Allison is ready to tour again with his former band-mate, Buddy Holly. Allison, a resident at Mendacity Springs Assisted Living in Lubbock, TX, has been busy firing up fellow residents in between arts and crafts and bingo hours for the past 3 years. Billed as Jerry Allison with Buddy Holly and Friends, the drummer tells Original Unoriginal that the tour will be one of the most exciting reunions of the year.

Residents and staff at Mendacity Springs are all eager to see Mr. Allison hit the road. "We all love Mr. Allison's enthusiasm about his music and the Buddy Holly reunion shows," comments manager Randy Smallpeker. "We tell him Buddy's been dead for almost 50 years, but it only seems to anger him.

Mr. Smallpeker looks around to the room briefly, leans into me and lowers his voice.  "He has used physical violence towards several of our most beloved residents and staff."

Mr. Allison has assumed all managerial responsibilities on a tour most would consider both a daunting and logistical nightmare. He's personally booked 3 Dairy Queens, 2 Holiday Inns and a lone Cracker Barrel restaurant off Hwy 82.

"The idea is to play music where people are, so that's what we're doing," says Mr. Allison, in a rather infuriated tone.

Mr. Allison has a few choice words regarding the long delays in getting the tour off the ground. "Honestly, Buddy's an asshole. I got my carrot in Peggy Sue first and he didn't."  He then slams his hands on his knees and screams at the top of his lungs "if he doesn’t god damn pick up the god damn phone I’m getting god damn Gary Busey."

At this point in our conversation, the interview takes the most bizarre and unexpected of turns. Mr. Allison seems to pass out for a few moments, but quickly regains consciousness. He then proceeds to get out of his wheelchair and stand over both me and my assistant with the most intimidating, war-like glare I've seen since my last interview with Gary Coleman.

"Well I'll be damned! You sure are one sorry son of bitch to be showing your face here after all these years," screams Mr. Allison.

My underpaid and somewhat nonchalant assistant notifies me that I'm wearing "Buddy Holly" glasses by pointing to her face and saying “you’re wearing Buddy Holly glasses dipshit.”

The last words I heard before being rendered unconscious by Mr. Allison's oxygen tank were "You'd better find your peace with God Charles Hardin Holley!"

For all booking inquires regarding Jerry Allison with Buddy Holly and Friends, please contact Jerry Allison at Mendacity Springs Assisted Living in Lubbock, TX.

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