I recently graduated college: May something-or-other, 2009. The ceremony was utter shit. Due to time restrictions (as I graduated in a class of how ever many people were fucking there), there were no inspiring speeches, no valedictorian telling me how great her life was because she is a fucking genius but we may still aspire to a greatness somewhere in the vicinity of hers. No guests like Dennis Rodman or Marlon Brando’s clone to tell us to live out our dreams of becoming magicians or dairy farmers or porno directors. The president of our university, whom I had never seen before in my life, stood in front of us and said that names would be read. Then names were read, and the ceremony was over. It was a waste of three hours of my life.

And yet, I’m kind of glad for those wasted three hours. I’m glad because people I haven’t spoken to in years sent me checks because I sat in that auditorium and was handed some bullshit piece of paper. I’m glad because it was another excuse to get completely wasted that night. Mostly, I’m glad because those were three more hours that I got to be a student. There aren’t a lot of redeemable things about school, but being a student is one of the best possible statuses one might obtain. It is a freedom from responsibility. It is a barrier against what has been coined “the real world.” It is an excuse to get wasted.

I am no longer a student. After those three hours, my status changed, in a split second. I am now an unemployed 22 year old living with his parents. I am now a man with a useless degree doing nothing with his life. I am now labeled irresponsible when I consider an occasion “an excuse to get wasted.” And I’m not happy with any of it.

I didn’t ask to be thrown head-first into this economic climate, a climate in which real people can’t even get jobs, let alone English majors. But such is life, they say. For now, I’ll just keep writing to Cinemax applying for some good old fashioned porno directing gigs and keep trying to make this fucking quarter disappear.

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A clip from Inglourious Basterds where Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) interrogates a German about the locations of their camps and the artillery they have, but he respectively declines the offer and decides to die for his country.

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My best friend is obsessed with zombies. It is not infrequent that he and I will have a beer or two (okay, sometimes a lot of beer), and he will start spouting off about the walking dead. The best survival techniques, the weapons needed to fight off a hungry horde, locations and situations to avoid in a zombie apocalypse (zombocalypse, if you will). Through the hours upon hours that I have listened to him drone about zombie survival, I feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject myself.

So it was some kind of hilarious relief when I found this article on GamePolitics.com, explaining that the boys in blue down at the Boston Police Department have said that they would warn citizens of a zombie outbreak. How did this information come to light? Twitter, of course. Here is a transcript of the tweeted convo:

Boston_Police: INJURED OFFICER: Officer from district 4 transported to Beth Israel Hospital, human bite to arm, suspect in custody.

willcady: @Boston_Police if that was a zombie bite, would you tell us?

Boston_Police: @willcady Yes, absolutely

I immediately forwarded the link to my friend, who, to be honest, found more relief than hilarity in the situation. I suppose it is good to know that our tax dollars will defend us against terrorists and zombies. But the best part of all is the irony of such Twitter chatter, as Twitter, in and of itself, is turning surfers of the web into the living dead.

Surrogates is an upcoming science fiction film based on the 2005-2006 comic book series of the same name. The film is directed by Jonathan Mostow and stars Bruce Willis. Surrogates is scheduled to be released on September 25, 2009.

In the near future, humans live in isolation and only interact through robotic bodies that serve as surrogates. When several surrogates are murdered, a cop (Bruce Willis) investigates the crimes through his own surrogate. The investigation forces the cop to bring his human form out of isolation and unravel a conspiracy behind the crimes.

In March 2007, Disney acquired feature film rights to the 2005-2006 comic book series The Surrogates with the intent to distribute under Touchstone Pictures. The project was conceived by Max Handelman and Elizabeth Banks, and they enlisted producer Todd Lieberman to move it forward. Under Disney, Jonathan Mostow was attached to direct the film based on an adapted screenplay by Michael Ferris and John Brancato. The following November, Bruce Willis was cast to star in the lead role. Filming was scheduled to begin in February 2008 in Lynn, Massachusetts. It was delayed, beginning on April 29, 2008 in Lynn. Filming also took place in the Massachusetts cities Milford, Hopedale, Taunton, and Wayland. Brickyard VFX will do the visual effects work for Surrogates.

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