I haven't gotten laid in six months, and Global Warming apparently is to blame, say local scientists.

"Hey we know that climate affects mating habits," said local scientist Mo Filby (disclosure: Mr. Filby is also my cousin). "And what else could possibly explain a dry spell like that?"

Other scientists seem to concur. When asked, "if it's getting so hot around here, why wouldn't women just want to take their clothes off?", scientist and zoo worker Ferdie Nash replied, "Just because they take their clothes off doesn't mean they're going to sleep with you." (Disclosure: Ferdie is Mr. Filby's girlfriend).

Mr. Filby explained, "It's not that they're getting hot, it's that you're getting dry. Let's just say that there seems to be a very specfic climatological pheneomenon in the area of your home that repels the opposite sex. I don't think it's implausible at all that some areas of town are harder hit by global warming than others. Something is obviously drying up your sex appeal."

Update: the dry spell came to an abrupt end last night when Ms. Nash fucked me on the floor of an empty gorilla exhibit. Mr. Filby could not be reached for comment.

This event celebrates the epic movie that was almost never completed…the James Cameron classic…TITANIC! The highest grossing cinematic release ever. Measuring 33 feet in height and 50 feet in length, this awesome slide captures the feeling of the real giant. Adding to the realism of this ride are the famed triple screw propellers and rudder. One could almost believe the ship is sinking! Who will survive the slide down? This dual slide captures all the excitement of the famed ocean liner on itÕs maiden voyage.  You too can be KING OF THE WORLD!

So just how Dude are you, anyway?  Get out your number two pencils and answer the following questions to discover how in touch you are with your inner Dude.

 1.  Are you employed sir?

a. Yes

b. No

c. What day is this?

2.  Do you have any Kahlua?

a. No, but I do have some watermelon schnapps

b. No, I'm fresh out

c. Does the pope shit in the woods?

3. What is your favorite Eagles album?

a. Desperado

b. Ride the Lightning

c. I hate the fuckin' Eagles man…

4.  What do you do in your free time?

a. Balance my checkbook

b. Occupy various administration buildings

c. Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback

5.  What is the smallest check you ever written?

a. $100 and up

b. $0.70 to $99.99

c. $0.69 and under

6. Identify this small woodland mamal -

a. beaver

b. ferret

c. marmot

7. What cassette is in your walkman right now?

a. I have an iPod

b. Creedence

c. Venice Beach League Playoffs 1987

8. What is your primary form of ID?

a. Driver's license

b. Expired student ID

c. Ralphs card

9.  What color is your vehicle?

a. My hummer is yellow

b. Blue

c. Green with rust coloration

10.  When do you pay your rent?

a. When you own, it's called a mortgage

b. The tenth

c. Far out, man

Tally up your score:

• for each a. answer, you get 0 points
• for each b. answer, you get 21 points
• for each c. answer, you get 42 points

How Dude are you:

0-105 = You're being very un-Dude

106-210 = You are the walrus

211-419 = I dig your style, man

420 = You abide