Every year the San Fermín Festival in Pamplona, Spain brings hundreds of drunken Spaniards rolling the dice against angry, testosterone-crazed bulls down a half mile stretch of jagged, cobbled streets.  This year, at all costs, a bull named Inigo Montoya will avenge his father’s death.

“He was a beautiful bull and one hell of a father,” comments Inigo.

Inigo was raised by his father on a ranch west of Pamplona.  Two years ago, Inigo was separated from his father when a man “wearing a white chef’s uniform” took him from the ranch.

“People think we don’t know what happens when one of our own gets into the rusted trailer.  I hope his death was a quick and painless,” says Inigo.

Inigo had a hard time adjusting to life after his father’s disappearance.  He found his day to day chores of coitus and eating grass tiresome, but all that changed five months ago when Inigo found out that he was chosen for the run in Pamplona.  He immediately started a strict regimen of four mounts a day, balanced diet of hay, grass and water, and intense circuit training.

Inigo is quite confident that he will be the strongest and fastest bull on cobbled streets of the festival, but his eyes show the quiet anger that could only be brought from the deepest of emotional scars. 

“I’ve devoted the last five months to my training.  I’m as sharp physically as I am mentally.  When I find the man wearing the white chef’s uniform, I will make his death slow and painful.” 

Inigo sheds a tear as he acts out the monologue to his father’s killer.  “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Recent surveys suggest that having President George W. Bush as an example of a Yale alum has damaged the prestige of a Yale degree almost to that of a rural community college.

The results of this survey — conducted in a joint effort by graduate students from Princeton, Colgate, Northwestern, Stanford, Cornell, Brown, Rice, Harvard, Columbia, the University of Chicago, and seventy-one other schools — have many of Yale's Ivy League rivals hooting with glee.

"This is a crippling blow for dear old Yale," lamented J. Everett Trouserdown III (Class of '66), a Yale booster. "Every time Bushie says the word 'nukuler' into a microphone a whole carload of ruling class white males apply to Dartmouth."

It seems Mr. Trouserdown is hardly exaggerating. The scions of old, elitist money have been steering clear of Yale in record numbers, despite their personal affections for the president.

"Look, it so totally has nothing to do with like or dislike of President Bush," sniffed Tanner Bannister, an Exeter student who'll be starting at Bennington next year. "We think he's everything a president should be — a closed-minded, classist bigot with a palpable hate for anyone who isn't a white billionaire. But I've got hotels in sixteen countries I'll be running five years from now and I want a degree from a big-time college hanging beside my portrait in my office."

Students currently enrolled at Yale are crying "foul" on the survey and especially at some of the schools involved.

Yale junior Tabitha Wainscoting is particularly frustrated that Harvard participated in the survey when, in fact, President Bush also attended, and got a Master's Degree, from Harvard. Ms. Wainscoting was happy to voice her opinion via telephone from her father's private plane. 

"It's like so wrong that we should be held to standards like poor people or something. Harvard shouldn't be such traitors to their class and everybody else who doesn't have a lot of money should just shut up and rake their leaves or make tacos or whatever it is they do. If you're rich you can't be stupid. That's how it works. End of story."