I have no clue where to buy this thing, but I want one now!

Instead of putting the long list of quick paycheck movies in his filmography under a microscope, actor Steven Seagal has come to the conclusion that the FBI ruined his career and wants an apology:

"False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia," Seagal told the newspaper. "These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers — and kill careers."

The FBI investigation stemmed from Seagal's ties to former private detective Anthony Pellicano, who once was employed by many Hollywood stars, directors and producers, but is now in federal prison awaiting trial on wire-tapping and other charges.

The Pellicano investigation dates to 2002 when a free-lance reporter for the Los Angeles Times found a dead fish, a red rose and a note saying "Stop!" on her car. At the time, the reporter was researching Seagal and a former business partner.

On a related note, Original Unoriginal has learned that Jean-Claude Van Damme is contemplating the same pathetic marketing technique for his next straight-to-DVD release – The Shepard. 

The Chevy Chase Show, Vegas Vacation, Nothing But Trouble and Cop & Robbersons be damned…  Sometimes we all need a refresher course on how brilliant Chevy Chase was.

A group of smokers who claim to speak for the "oppressed smokers all across America" are very angry with a man they say is be "undermining the mission to end smoking bans" in several US cities.

The group, Citizens United against National Tyrannical Sanctions (CUNTS), were outraged when they recently learned about a smoker who behaved with civility and consideration toward non-smokers.

Tom Smith (not his real name) was recently seen stepping outside a restaurant to have a cigarette — even though the city Tom lives in doesn't yet have a smoking ban in place. "It just seems like the decent thing to do," Smith told reporters. "I've never felt entirely comfortable blowing my cigarette smoke into the air in confined areas, especially when other people are around. I mean, when you really think about it, expecting other people to be subjected to cigarette smoke just because I feel like having one is awfully rude."

Elmer Flass, CUNTS spokesman and a two pack a day smoker, couldn't disagree more.

"When guys like this Smith character start popping up, it really puts a stain on the rest of us. Smokers are proud of the ceaseless whining and bitching they do about not being able to light up in bars and restaurants. We're happy likening our plight to that of slaves or even prisoners of concentration camps. Getting huffy and indignant because we can't put others at risk is something we're proud of. Discourtesy is the very capstone the smoker's existence. But the Tom Smiths of the world — with their consideration for others — could ruin our good name."

"We've got a very solid plan going. One that not only will allow a smoker to light up wherever and whenever he pleases, but also a strategy that will force non-smokers to cough up [pun presumably unintended -- Ed.] a percentage of their bar or restaurant checks to go toward paying for the cigarettes or cigars bought and smoked at the establishment that night. We're fucking tired of these cheap-ass bastards getting free second-hand smoke."

What a brilliant site.

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Pinky: Eh Brain, why you leavin’ me? I thought we was going to take over the world.

Brain: Fuck up the world, Pinky, I said fuck up the world.

Pinky: Oy den Brain, Mission Accomplished!