Use the Fork Luke, use the Fork!

I have no clue where to buy this thing, but I want one now!

Instead of putting the long list of quick paycheck movies in his filmography under a microscope, actor Steven Seagal has come to the conclusion that the FBI ruined his career and wants an apology:

"False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia," Seagal told the newspaper. "These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers — and kill careers."

The FBI investigation stemmed from Seagal's ties to former private detective Anthony Pellicano, who once was employed by many Hollywood stars, directors and producers, but is now in federal prison awaiting trial on wire-tapping and other charges.

The Pellicano investigation dates to 2002 when a free-lance reporter for the Los Angeles Times found a dead fish, a red rose and a note saying "Stop!" on her car. At the time, the reporter was researching Seagal and a former business partner.

On a related note, Original Unoriginal has learned that Jean-Claude Van Damme is contemplating the same pathetic marketing technique for his next straight-to-DVD release – The Shepard. 

The Chevy Chase Show, Vegas Vacation, Nothing But Trouble and Cop & Robbersons be damned…  Sometimes we all need a refresher course on how brilliant Chevy Chase was.