Sex on the Beach? A Blow Job? A Buttery Nipple? An Orgasm?

Forget those same ol’ shooters, our mixologists are shaking up fresh quaffs just in time to kick of your summer of saucin’. Try one of these great shots tonite!

Lucky Nutsack

• 2 oz. Bailey’s Irish Crème
• 2 oz. Frangelico
• 2 oz. Dry Sack Sherry
• Chill and strain into rocks glass
• Deny homosexual urges

Plumber’s Crack

• 16 oz. Milwaukee’s Best Lite
• 2 Squirts GoJo Orange Handcleaner
• Strain through mesh-back hat
• Mist with WD-40
• Sniff retained fecal matter trapped under fingernails
• Lament dropping out of high school

Happy Day Laborer

• 1 bottle premium tequila
• 1 roll sod
• 3 chlorine pool pellets
• Splash of lukewarm gardenhose water
• Shake with landscape rocks
• Serve under punishing mid-day sun
• Use to sublimate guilt for perpetuating ever-widening income gap

Kitty D

• 1 bottle rubbing alcohol
• Swig as needed or until optic nerve swells causing blindness

Grandpa’s Backwash

• 3 oz. Lavoris mouthwash
• 1 jigger Old Spice aftershave
• Dust with Gold Bond Medicated Powder
• Add twist of Brylcreme
• Garnish with Pollident tablet
• Scratch knees incessantly and complain about inferiority of contemporary ideas/morals/products/entertainment ad nauseum

What’s the Hasslehoff 

• 1 chilled bottle Jagermeister
• 1 chilled bottle Grecian Formula
• Blend, alternately sipping and rubbing on scalp
• Wallow in abject mediocrity

 

Written by Dignan

 

Holy shit. America has been talking about it for the last six months.

When we lifted the prototype from the vat of molten lava in which it was forged, even we were knocked on our asses. Our designers went back over the blueprints. "We designed it," they said, "but who made it live?"

It's OriginalUnoriginal's ou-Phone, of course–the kind of technology that you expect to get only when Michael J. Fox brings it back from the future. Or perhaps it's what E.T. used at "home".

What makes it different? How about a phone with a full-sized fold-out QWERTY keyboard? How about a phone in which you can store all your music?* How about a phone with a dialing mechanism that has up to 360 degree rotational functionality?

We're talking about a revolutionary user interface. We call it the ou-Phone audio-tactile-feedback click-wheel. Want to dial a 1? Drag the wheel a full turn, and then listen to it click all the way back. That's right. A 1 sounds and feels different from a 2.

(Is this blowing your fucking mind? It's still blowing our fucking minds. Jesus. I've used more profanity in this review than I use on the average night I get drunk with my mom).

But there's more. The ou-Phone is portable. One handle let's you pick up the entire device. (A "device"–we really don't know what to call it. Is it really a phone? We could just as well call it a stereo. Or a typewriter).

Portability: Pick it up, and walk down the street with it. Put it right to your ear. Listen to your music on you phone while you're walking down the street!

I know, this is all too good to be true. There can't be more. Well there is more. All that walking has made you hungry. Well just turn the ou-phone around. You're not going to believe what you see. There's an entire portable rotisserie in the back. Make yourself a fucking turkey while you talk on your phone and listen to your music! You'll be sitting on the pavement waiting for your fucking turkey for about 3-4 hours; but it will be exactly like being at home cooking a fucking turkey in a real oven, listening to your music on your stereo, talking to your friend on the phone, and typing up a term paper. But you won't be in the comfort of your home!

It should go without saying that OriginalUnoriginal has more surprises ins store for you: like the fact that the ou-Phone COMES WITH a 15 pound turkey as well as 16 D batteries. You're good to go as soon as you get your new ou-Phone out of its box, do a little minor assembly**, defrost your turkey***, insert your batteries, and send in your anti-piracy registration card to receive the combination to the heavy duty multiple-dial lock****.

Enjoy your little piece of the future. It's the OriginalUnoriginal ou-Phone: Haul your life around with you.

---

* Where all your music is defined as "a cassette tape".
** Hammer, nails, blowtorch, and duct tape required.
***Please comply with your local dry ice disposal ordinances.
**** 3-15 weeks required for delivery. Please do not try to remove combination lock with a hacksaw.

Written by Dignan

How nifty is the new iphone?! It does everything. You can phone your friends, text message them, email them, chat with them; listen to your music, watch your movies, surf the web; use the built-in swiss army knife to open beers, and 8 or 9 later stab a friend; and otherwise pretend that technology is making your more rather than less social. All in that with a touch-sensitive screen in a little smooth glass case.

But here's something I bet you didn't know you could do with your Iphone: apply enough lubricant, and it makes a first-rate stool loosening enema. With all the gut-wrenching suspense of waiting for the Iphone's release, we know you'll be in need of yours.

That's right. You'll be doing everything else with your Iphone. Now consider shoving it up your ass.

Written by Dignan

Yes, Afghanistan. For years, we've loved it as a country, dreamt of its sexy culture, and marveled at its global standing as a leader in agriculture, industry, and diplomacy.

"It's the perfect marriage of modern dance and Al-Jazera!" raves Shelly Fanouk of the Godless Infidel Sunday Shopper.

Created by Mahmud al-Mahmud Shakka Khan (Book & Lyrics) and Hamid Omar "Bingo" Ali (Composer), the production is their long-awaited follow-up to their smash hit, "Yussef and the Amazing Chroma-Key Sportcoat".

This production will have you jumping from the opening number (Title song — "Where the figs are as high as a Rhesus monkey's eye!") to the final curtain.

Written by Dignan

Hoboken, NJ — A Sopranos viewing party ended in a bloodbath Sunday at the home of a local teamster, Cosimo Mancini. The fighting apparently began after disappointed friends began arguing about the controversial ending to the popular HBO show about a mob boss and his family.

Jimmi "Iron Leg" Ferralano apparently claimed that the ending was "bullshit". Marty "The Mick" O'Leary disagreed, calling it "fucking brilliant."

As other viewing party members took sides, guns were drawn and after a brief, Tarantino-esque standoff, Mr. O'Leary was shot in the head by Mr. Ferralao for saying "hey, this is kind of Tarantino-esque." Then the argument escalated as to whether the blackout ending meant that Tony Soprano had been killed, and Mr. Ferralano was quickly silenced in this dispute.

In the end, 17 fellow fans were left dead in a flurry of bullets. The only initial survivor, Mr. Mancini of Greenhill St., had been cleaning his member's only jacket in the bathroom, and returned to find the massacre while Journey blared from his Bose stereo system. Mr. Mancini subsequently blacked out, and his condition is unclear.

Written by Dignan

This just in:

OriginalUnoriginal.com was spawned from a heady brew of sarcasm, apathy, indifference and ennui. A virtual embodiment of post-post-deconstructionist Gen-Next tweener irony, its intent was to be the largest, most successful online purveyor of inane falsification – but without actually attempting in any way to appear fixated on that success. “We hoped to become notorious without indulging in notoriety,” explained Hermes Cummingson, Editor in Abstentia.

“Never underestimate,” Cummingson continued “the power of a group of motivated individuals to affect change among an overwhelmingly disinterested and detached populace, especially if your definition of change means creating a nano-second’s distraction from de rigeur obsessions like snack food, sitcoms and gas prices, tempered by unrealistic indulgence in absurdities like professional sports and soft-core pornography.”

Indeed, Cummingson and his compatriots revel in those rare moments when one of the nameless, faceless denizens of the Internet decide, for the merest moment, to stop hunting for free clips of “Facial Domination” or take five from managing the rosters of their fantasy DARPA  League teams to digest whatever hit-and-run piffle OU is spewing that particular instant. So much the better, he adds, if it’s forwarded from someone in their carpool or adjacent cubicle.

Poised to become one of the recognizable sources of online inanity, OU could ultimately give two royal shits. Seriously. If you’re reading this, it’s because you’re craving a few seconds of mirthful distraction. You have a full understanding that everything is essentially crap, but willingly suspend your rationale with the hope that you’ll forget you’re trapped on a rat’s-wheel of futility.

Actually, you don’t suspend your rationale. You take your rationale, tie it to a tree in the back yard, and beat it to within an inch of its life – all for the sake of numbing the fact that in another few seconds, you have to get back to balancing accounts, tracking shipments, engaging in quality assurance, studying for whatever worthless degree your parents are paying for, or any number of ultimately transparent pursuits.

Feel better? Good. Now, take twenty steps back, get a running start, and jump up your own asshole.

Written by Ogre